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A poem I wrote complimenting the last text post…
When I was little, my favorite game was Play Pretend
Now that I’m older, nothing has changed
I could be a pirate, a zombie, a shooting star!
Or maybe I could be, someplace far far away…
Oh, I could be a ninja!
I could be the sun!
I could be a singer
Just until the game was done…
So let’s pretend that everything’s okay
For just this once, let all the worries blow away
Let’s pretend that nothing’s got us down
Let’s pretend that we own this town!
Pretending was pretty easy
It was easy for me
Putting on a mask like it was Halloween
Seemed pretty appealing to me
Never let the sadness show
Never let the people know
Just give them what they want- a smile
So let’s pretend that everything’s okay
For just this once, let all the worries blow away
Let’s pretend that nothing’s got us down
Let’s pretend that we own this town
Let’s pretend that we’re in love
Let’s pretend that when push comes to shove, we’ll be alright.
For just this once, just once more, let’s play pretend…
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I saw her in a book once and I decided to draw her. I liked the idea of her having fire for hair.
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I like cyborgs too! I drew this during photoshop. Just a quickie sketch.
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Lola! I like her. I know it looks kind of greenish but that’s just my shitty scanner. Enough with the excuses. I really like her.
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The lines and the colouring on this look really harsh but they’re a lot softer in real life, I promise! :p anyways… Zombies make me really happy for some reason. It’s the same with old people. Hm.
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What do you do when you realize the only person you ever want to be with is your best friend, who’s dating your other best friend and who has no feelings for you in that way?
Do you cry?
No, that’s too cliche. Plus, crying doesn’t change anything.
Do you tell her how you feel?
That could ruin your entire friendship and maybe another one if she were to say anything to anyone.
Do you take out all of your anger in a painting?
No, you’re not really angry at all.
What about sadness?
There’s not enough blue in your palette of paints to convey such a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.
What do you see when you close your eyes and think about it?
You see yourself, moving at an alarming speed, all in black and white with red only to show blood. You are an animated scribbled drawing locked inside a tiny square room being forced to sit in a chair positioned directly in front of a tv. You are strapped down and your eyes are plastered open to watch the feature film- Their Love. All you feel is yourself dying inside for each scene they play…
Such is my life. I hope you understood that. If you read more into it, a lot of that is symbolism in the last part. Irregardless, I don’t know how much more of this I can take and I am so sick of having to pretend like everything is fine when it’s not. I’m so sick of pretending like the only reason I’m upset is because I’m worried about being able to go to art school. I’m so sick of watching her watching her. Why can’t she watch me? Why am I not good enough?
But hell. Thinking about it only makes it worse. So instead, let’s pretend I’m whining about art for just once more. Let’s pretend that the reason I’m sad is because people respond more to my photography than to my artwork. Let’s pretend, for just once more, that everything is fine…
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It’s been a long time comin…
but you know I can’t stay away forever!
So… holy smokes! I haven’t posted in QUITE some time.
Sorrrrry :]
I’ve been banned from the computer :[
Mom and I had problems. MANY problems. That reached epic heights. Almost to the point of her signing over guardianship to someone else… so… I have an excuse! HAH!
But it’s gettin better I s’pose.
I’ve just been drawing a lot lately. AND I’m taking two art classes every day this term. TWO! Photoshop and, you guessed it, drawing.
How blessed is the creative soul’s world, for every every problem is merely a chance for a new solution :] Yeah so we all know I’m not at all “quotable material” but I think we’ll all live
I’m planning on uploading some new drawings and such sometime soon (hopefully!) so stay alive and don’t die on me! You’ve now got reason to live! :]
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Conquering a Fear…
So I talked to my mother today. I was such a pansy, I had to do it over the phone. I’m thinking I want to do art therapy and maybe regular therapy as well. I think that would be the perfect combination.
She was a bit caught off-guard as any parent would be. However, she was pretty understanding I think. I guess as understanding as you can be.
I think I may quit work after school starts. But, maybe by then, I’ll be used to it so it won’t be as stressful and I won’t feel the need to quit. I hope so because I really need the money.
Yay! I’m really excited for the sleepover Tuesday. I haven’t seen some of my friends all summer! Plus, it’ll be great to have everyone (okay, so it’s actually only like a third of my friends going) together again. I just hope everyone can get along for one night…
Is it weird to count your cat as your number one best buddy? I mean, he’s always there for me, whenever I’m upset, he always manages to come over and comfort me no matter what. He can’t tell my secrets to anyone, and if he could, I doubt he would. He looks at me and acts like he loves me (like a brother) and he loves watching my anime and movies with me. Just now we were watching Harry Potter together. He’s remarkable, he is. His name is Punkin. He’s an orange tabby cat with a long, fluffy coat of fur. I have five cats and they’re all amazing, but you know what I mean. It’s not like I favour him or anything.
I sound crazy. I’ve been thinking a bit though. Maybe I’m just projecting? I’ll ask my therapist when I start.
LOL my mom got this excersize ball workout kit. It’s going to get verrrrrry interesting in the next few days ;]
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timmelideo:
oh my god.
(via noahkalina)
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Blah…
I hate work. I started yesterday, first time. I want to quit so badly. You have NO IDEA. I’d rather just do some odd jobs for people, making only a little money here and there than work there.
I realized that, after five years of this shit, it’s finally time I get some help. I think I’m bi-polar. I’ve been researching that for the better part of 2 hours. Not to mention the many times I’ve done this in the past. Tomorrow (actually, later today ^^) I’m going to talk to my mom about this. No details whatsoever, just the bi-polarness and the need for a therapist. God I’m terrified. It’s worse than the time I told her I was bi…
I know that going through this and finally coming to terms with this after all these years is stressful enough but school’s starting in less than two weeks. Plus, I just got that job, and we all know how stressful and horrid that is. Gah, I hope she/he tells me I should quit the job until I feel comfortable enough to get one later in the year. I honestly think that would help a lot.
I don’t even know if I’m going to have time for a job. 2 ap classes, early bird class, pre ap chem, adv 2nd yr algebra, 2 art classes, spanish 2. That’s stressful in itself, bi-polar/job or no. Maybe I should have her read a few of my posts? Those were pretty bad… Not as bad as what was going through my head though. Like I said, even to an invisible audience, I cannot completely express myself.
Hopefully to a therapist, I can.
God I’m so nervous to tell her. What if she tells me I’m exaggerating? What if she can’t afford anything? If that happens… I don’t know what I’d do with myself. I’d probably go into a depression so bad, I may have to check myself into the nearest hospital. I’m not joking.
I’ve thought quite seriously about in-patient mental facilities. In a way, I long for it. I can deal with everything away from my family and friends. Kind of like a retreat.
God I’m nervous.